Pregnancy and birth are naturally sexual. The same hormones pregnant women go through during sex are the same ones women go through during labour and childbirth.

Postpartum is a healing process people who give birth go through. It has no time frame; it is a gradual process. 

Their bodies have to get used to having a tiny person connected to them all the time. They have to study this tiny human, their feeding times, and sleeping patterns, which are different from the adults. 

While going through these experiences, sex stays at the bottom of most women’s lists until they get the hang of things. Health-care providers would advise a delay in sex for six weeks post-birth, until their first postnatal visit, then they get the green light; this gives the uterus time to heal and shrink back to its normal size and for the cervix to close up.

So, what happens when sex becomes the topic of discussion during postpartum?

I’ve had conversations with women who felt ready in the first three weeks, and they actually went and got their groove on with their partners perfectly fine. Then I’ve had those who felt six weeks was too little; they wanted to wait six months—or until the baby turned one.

Before we start comparing, let’s look at the concerns that might cause the delay in getting it on again post-baby:

There’s the fear of falling pregnant again.

The fear of the baby waking up while you’re busy getting it on.

Body changes and appearances are a huge concern for most women.

Feeling ready but waiting for the doctor’s green light.

Cultural beliefs. Most African cultures believe the wait should be three to six months.

Communication barriers—both partners being afraid to bring the topic up or to initiate sex.

Urinary incontinence, people with this condition often fear that they will pee on their partners.

Being “touched out”. You’ve had the baby on you almost all day; the last thing you need is someone’s hands on you.

How do we adjust and get our groove back?

We have to understand intimacy does not always mean intercourse, it includes touching, hugging, and kissing.

Birth control would’ve been discussed with your care provider before you gave birth, so, when the time comes, you know you’re in control.

Partners need to help with the baby as much as they can, this includes taking the baby from mommy’s hands for a while and understanding the baby’s patterns.

Open, honest communication. Make the chats fun and light, so you can both freely express yourselves. Choose a time when the baby is asleep to have these important talks.

As a father and your partner’s lover, you have to reassure the person you fell in love with is still the same. That you still love them, regardless of the stretch marks, weight gain, hair loss, and milk dripping out their boobs. Some partners find using the word “sexy” more applicable in this case.

Normalize! The sooner you normalize the postpartum process the better.

When mommy wees herself (urinary incontinence) while laughing at your joke, understand it’s normal in the first few weeks and keep the same facial expression.

Your private space belongs to both of you, so societal and cultural beliefs should be something you both agree on.

Baby wakes up? We cannot guarantee the baby will sleep throughout until you’re both done getting jiggy. So, again, laugh at yourselves silly, because there will be good times when you’ll even forget there’s a baby in the house.

It’s okay to keep your bra on while you’re busy, especially if you’re breastfeeding.

Again, touch is what should initiate intimacy. It’s like you’re getting to know each other all over again because your partner’s arousal spots might not be the same due to hormonal changes—some might not feel anything and some might feel more aroused.

Some men get excited by stretch marks and the enlarged boobs and backside. That’s perfectly normal.

These forms of intimacy can go on for as long as you want until you’re both ready for intercourse. Remember, it shouldn’t feel like a chore; it should be fun for both.

For extreme cases, where there are signs of postpartum depression for mom or dad, frequent miscommunication, or parents struggling to adjust to having a baby in the house, I’d suggest you see specialists. A healthy family is made up of a healthy baby and happy, healthy parents. Understand that postpartum is an ongoing process with no time span, and it takes both partners to make this new normal work.