Many black millennials in South Africa grew up with the perception of marriage as a grand life achievement and this is particularly true for the millennial growing up as a young girl. But, in a world where gender-based violence rates are high, where gaining individual independence first is seen as more valuable than marrying sooner and where women have the option of exploring their womanhood outside of domestic spaces, the idea of marriage loses its lustre.  The pressure to marry slowly wanes and an empowered generation of women become more selective about who they choose to marry. While this may result in plenty of single people, it also opens up the space for better quality relationships.

 

Enter influencer duo Lerato and Phetola Makhetha (AKA The Makhs), the quintessential modern millennial couple. If ‘boomers’ failed to sell us an image of marriage that still holds relevance in the 21st century, then The Makhs offer a vision of marriage that’s redeemed from that old-fashioned status. In a country like South Africa, their vision of marriage and family is also redeemed from the country’s curse of ‘broken’ families, absent fathers, detached parents, domestic violence and other family traumas.

 

Their YouTube channel, ‘The Makhs’, has caught the attention of 20 to 30-something-year-old singles and couples. Their YouTube subscribers, who amount to over 60 000 since the couple started their channel almost two years ago, make up people who are looking to evolve from traumatic or broken family backgrounds, improve their relationships, mentally prepare for future relationships or who are simply curious about marriage.

 

In a world where marriage is no longer just rooted in the exchange of financial security and domestic duties, influencer couples like Lerato and Phetola give an example of what marriage and raising a family looks like when it’s based on an intentional, constant strive for spiritual enhancement and personal fulfilment. For their followers, this is particularly attractive, with some even commenting that they wish they had parents like them growing up. I interview the couple while they’re visiting Phetola’s parent’s house for a family gathering. They sit snuggly next to each other in the living room area.

 

“We love the idea that we’re giving people the permission to be something other than what they thought they could be. If we can give you a picture of what it looks like to be a black parent and couple in 2022 and we can lead the charge into inspiring what that family looks like, then that’s a beautiful thing and I don’t want it to look like that’s a far-fetched idea. Our job right now is to plant the idea of possibility and say well, we can all do this. Let’s all do it as a community as a people. As we learn, we will continue to share,” says Lerato.

 

 

“The positive impact our channel has had on people has just really humbled us and kept us in awe at how God is using our journey, our mistakes, frustrations, pains and disappointments to turn it into something beautiful enough to help and inspire others,” says Phetola.

 

Of the two, Phetola is the more reserved and practical. Her husband credits her as being responsible for the overall aesthetic of their brand and although she’s a hardworking digital marketer and content creator, she mostly takes pride in being a nurturing mom and wife. Lerato, on the other hand, is the more vivacious and spirited character of the two. He’s a super dad and husband who Phetola says is blessed with a “gift of perspective”. He’s also best known for his role as Ntando Sibeko on Isidingo. Together, the couple has two daughters, Lehakoe and Leruo.

 

Like many millennial parents who experienced discipline as a strict adherence to gender roles (e.g. behaving like a lady) or whose parents were trying to mould them into mainstream career roles like doctors or lawyers, one of Lerato and Phetola’s approaches to parenting is cultivating strong identities in their kids and letting their unique personalities blossom.

 

Orderly, emotionally articulate and reflective Lehakoe (9) has been known to call out her mom for even the ‘littlest’ of white lies while exuberant and vibrant Leruo (3) is such a big ball of energy, that her parents have nicknamed her ‘firecracker’. Older forms of parenting might’ve sought to reprimand Lehakoe for calling out her mom or tame Leruo’s fiery personality, but The Makhs are very intentional about letting their children’s personalities reign free. Their father, Lerato, makes a good point as to why.

 

“We’ve got no clue what the world is gonna look like in twenty years and we’ve got no clue what jobs are gonna look like either. I think the biggest strength that any human being can have is the ability to think and the ability to be themselves in any given circumstance. Your independence — your ability to think independently and exist independently — is going to be such a rare commodity that the best thing that we can do for our children is give them the space to be themselves. We are learning so much about the world today through our kids that it would be kinda ridiculous to try to change them to fit into the world of tomorrow (I mean, we’re still trying to survive today),” he says.

 

For the average millennial, working on the self and exploring one’s identity is a never-ending process, perhaps ignited by our parents’ eagerness to make us fit into particular boxes. Lerato, for instance, who is the son of veteran actor Jerry Mofokeng, has mentioned in past interviews how his father had preferred he focus on his music (Lerato is classically trained as a pianist and vocalist) rather than distract his talent with acting, a criticism that Lerato has mentioned he needed in order to prove his capabilities. In her journey through parenting and through observing the older generation of parents, Phetola has learned some valuable lessons about being a selfish parent and giving children the freedom to be themselves.

 

 

“As a parent, it’s important not to neglect yourself. Sometimes, with the older generation of parents, you can see them becoming resentful because they’ve poured so much of their lives into their children only for them to not become who they [the parents] hoped they [the children] would be. I really love what Lerato was just saying because as parents sometimes you stop living, literally. You stop chasing your dreams, you get stuck in careers you don’t want to be in because you just wanna make sure your kids go to schools you want them to go to and when they don’t live up to your standards, it really hurts. For me, it’s important to be selfish enough to chase my dreams and make sure that I fill up my cup as well,” she says.

 

The Makhs certainly aren’t hesitant to follow their dreams and live their best lives. Their venture into parent and couple influencing has elevated their ability to communicate fruitfully to one another, spend more time with one another and has opened them up to a variety of fun and leisurely activities they might not have had time to explore if they had conventional jobs.

 

“Being in the content creation space has really forced us to try new things which we find that the girls are loving. We’ll find interesting places to visit and fun things to do which teaches us to be so much more adventurous,” says Phetola.

 

“And with that obviously comes a personality that you don’t know in your partner. You discover new things about her and what she likes and doesn’t like and it’s like constant discovery alongside the aspect of creation,” Lerato adds. “It’s also really forced us to have conversations we wouldn’t have otherwise had. Right now, we’re communicating on a level that we’ve never really reached ever before.

 

The Makhs enter into conversations with no holds barred on their YouTube channel. They tackle and debate tough topics like how childhood traumas affect relationships, how struggles with finance affect marriage and the necessity of girlfriend and wife allowance. They also explore topics surrounding sex and intimacy and make space for fun and light conversations, games and popular internet challenges.  As a viewer, you get to enjoy their chemistry, admire their shared sense of purpose and sensitivity towards one another, as well as the openness and honesty with which they approach difficult topics that are personal to their own experience in marriage. In one video, The Makhs even open up to each other about times they’ve felt like giving up on their marriage.

 

 

“I think people want realness, especially in the world of social media where you only see people’s highlight reels,” says Phetola. People want to see and know that there are people out there who have the same struggles, that they’re not alone and that these struggles can be dealt with and be overcome. We are constantly working on and nurturing our relationship and I definitely think that’s part of our ministry (for God to use us and show people what is possible when you… what’s the word?”

 

“…when you serve one another, love one another…” adds Lerato.

 

“…yes, and when you have a willing spirit…” concludes Phetola.

 

While marriage is still valued, it has less of a stronghold on society than it used to. South Africa has shown a decrease in the rate of registered marriages, customary marriages and an increase in divorce rates between the period 2008 to 2017, according to a 2021 paper published by the Department of Social Development. Stats SA reported that only 24% of black women aged 20-25 years were married, compared to 67% of women in the same age group. Overall, it’s been noted that South African women are, to an increasing extent, not getting married. When marriage does occur, it’s said that 4 out of 10 marriages will end in divorce before their 10th anniversary. Lerato and Phetola make up the older cohort within the category known as millennials and they are set to celebrate their 12th year of marriage next month.

 

“A lot of people are disillusioned about the institution of marriage,” says Phetola, “and a lot of people are hurt and disappointed in relationships in general, but there is huge merit in marriage. I think if we lay our lives down for each other (and not one person over the other) we’ll be able to see that there’s so much beauty that can come out of a family unit in the institution of marriage.

 

“Baby,” she says as she gently cups Lerato’s shoulder, “I want you to say something that you always say… something about: ‘there’s nothing wrong with the institution of marriage, but the minute…’”

 

“Oh yeah… I was having a heated conversation with someone about people using Meagan Good and DeVon Franklin’s divorce as an example of why marriage doesn’t work. But, like, from the way I see it, there’s nothing wrong with the institution of marriage. People failing in marriage is not an indictment on the institution of marriage it’s an indictment on the people in the marriage. God created this institution perfectly. Everything that He’s created, He’s put a person who’s flawed as a custodian of that thing. When the purpose of marriage is not understood, it’s likely to be abused. Once we accept that we’re the ones who are flawed and that it isn’t marriage, we can begin to remedy the wrongs,” he says.

 

 

As we struggle through blind dates and meeting people, hesitate on swiping left or right, work on finding a balance between our careers, romance or parenthood, try to fix relationships that seem to be hanging on by a thread or situationships that just won’t end, move on from one love interest to the next or as we simply try to work on our own wellness, there’s really only one thing that The Makhs want to do for their viewers:

 

“All we want to do is to give people permission to believe in what they once believed in and give them hope for what’s possible. It’s totally worth fighting for,” says Phetola.