By Ntombenhle Khathwane

We speak a lot about what it means to be a good parent, present, patient, protective, and loving. But rarely do we talk about the parent as a person beyond the role. In our homes, in our communities, and particularly in African society, parenthood is often treated like the final destination of identity, especially for mothers.

But here’s the truth: you are not just a mom or dad. You are still you, a whole person with dreams, fears, needs, and value that exists outside your children. And reclaiming that identity is not selfish; it’s necessary. When parents remember who they are, they show up with more joy, balance, and emotional availability, not just for their children, but for themselves.

 

Losing Yourself in the Name of Love

 

Parenting, especially in South Africa, is often an act of sacrifice. We give everything: our time, our money, our sleep, our attention, our dreams. And slowly, without noticing, we give away parts of ourselves too.

 

Ask any mother in Khayelitsha or Randburg who hasn’t had time to pee in peace or enjoy a hobby since her child was born. Ask the father in Soweto who works two jobs but hasn’t kicked a soccer ball with friends in five years. Ask the gogo in Mpumalanga raising her grandkids after her daughter passed, where does her worth live, now that her days are filled with survival?

 

We are praised for selflessness, but seldom asked: Are you still okay? Are you still whole? Do you still remember the sound of your own voice when it’s not giving instructions or saying yes to everyone else’s needs?

 

Identity Erosion is Real, and Silent

 

Especially for women, motherhood can quickly swallow all sense of personal identity. Suddenly, she’s no longer Thandi, the funny, curious, stylish woman who loved painting or dance or theology. She’s now “Mama KaLebo.”  And how many of us don’t even know the Mommy’s from school by name, by as ‘Mommy,’ or ‘so-and-so’s Mom,’ I know I am guilty of this.

 

This shift, while beautiful in some ways, can also be dangerous. When we forget who we are, we shrink. And when we shrink, we unconsciously raise children who learn that love means disappearing.

 

In many Black families, particularly post-apartheid, parenting became a tool of survival and discipline. There wasn’t space for “individual fulfillment.” But now, in a new generation, we must give ourselves and our children permission to be whole.

You Are Worthy, Even When You’re Not “Productive”

One of the deepest lies society tells parents (especially moms) is that we are only valuable when we are doing. The cooking. The school drop-off. The bathing. The hustle. The extra-mile sacrifice.

 

But you are worthy even when you are still. You are valuable even when your house is messy or your child is struggling. You are more than the success of your child. Your worth is not tied to your productivity, it is inherent.

My Story: I Have Been a Mom for 31 Years

I’ve been a mother for over three decades. And to this day, I have healing conversations with my firstborn. I’ve had to apologise to her often, not because I was a bad mother, but because I was a human one, figuring it out in real time, sometimes while surviving.

One of the things I believe I got right, and I say this with deep gratitude, is that I never lost myself entirely to motherhood, even in the most overwhelming seasons, even as a single mom. I allowed myself to stay connected to my identity, my dreams, my wellbeing.

 

And now I can see the ripple effect of that. My daughter values her own wellbeing. She honours her boundaries. She doesn’t feel guilty about choosing herself, something that felt almost disrespectful to us growing up.

 

This way of being is counter-intuitive to how I saw my mother raise me, and how so many African mothers raised their daughters: with sacrifice as virtue, and dreams as luxury. But I believe we can raise our children in a new way, where love is not martyrdom, and self-worth is passed down as legacy.

Rediscovering Yourself While Parenting

Reclaiming your identity while parenting doesn’t mean abandoning your children. It means remembering that your life matters too. Here’s how:

1. Start with small questions:

Ask yourself: What brings me joy outside of parenting? What did I love before I became “mom” or “dad”? What do I need today that I’ve been ignoring?

2. Find your name again:

Insist on being called by your name sometimes, not only “Mama ka-[child’s name]” or “Baba [surname].” Your name carries history, energy, and identity.

3. Schedule time for YOU:

Even 20 minutes a week to journal, take a walk, or revisit a forgotten passion matters. You are not “stealing time from your child.” You are modelling self-worth.

4. Reconnect with community:

Find or build spaces where parents talk honestly, not just about kids, but about themselves. Host “parents’ healing circles” in your area. You’ll be surprised how many others feel the same.

5. Let your children see you thrive:

Children benefit not only from love and discipline, but from watching a parent who honours their own voice. Your healing and happiness becomes their emotional blueprint.

South African Voices, Real Lives

Ayanda, a 38-year-old mother from Fourways, spent nearly a decade “just coping.” After leaving a toxic marriage and raising three kids alone, she realised she didn’t even know what she liked anymore. “I didn’t know if I preferred tea or coffee. My ringtone was still the one my ex set,” she laughs. “I started therapy and joined a yoga class. For the first time, my kids said, ‘Mom, you look so happy lately.’ That’s when I knew I was doing something right.”

Dumisani, a married father of two from Midrand, says, “We’re told men must provide and that’s it. But I realised that my daughter doesn’t just need money, she needs my full self. I had to learn how to slow down, how to listen, how to be soft. And in doing that, I got to know myself again.”

 

These are not “selfish” parents. They are sovereign parents, raising children from a place of emotional truth.

For the Parent Who Feels Invisible

This is for the mom standing in the Woolworths aisle, baby on hip, unsure if she has money left for both nappies and airtime. For the mom who once dreamed of studying psychology or travelling the world, but now counts her wins in bath times and bedtime stories.

 

You are not invisible. You are not lost. You are not only a mother, you are still you. And that you deserves to rise.

Final Word: You Are Still Becoming

Parenting is not the end of your story. It’s a chapter, maybe the most beautiful, most stretching, most humbling chapter, but it’s not the last. You are still becoming. Still dreaming. Still worthy.

 

Your children don’t need a perfect parent.
They need a whole one.

 

And wholeness begins when you remember:
You are not just a mom. You are not just a dad.
You are still you. And that is enough.