Media darling Kayise Ngqula has always dreamt of being a mother. So when she fell pregnant with her son Zuko, it was (and still is) a dream realised.

But tragedy soon hit her when she lost her husband when her little one was only 8 months old. While trying to digest the enormous heartbreak of losing a life partner after just 10 months of tying the knot, a year later her son was diagnosed with autism. An unexpected turn of events that required her to show up in her fullness.

 

 

“The beginning of my motherhood journey was pretty much the same for everyone across the board—a mix bag of emotions as a first-time mother, from feeling blessed to anxiety, gratitude, fulfillment, and fear of not knowing if you are doing it right,” she reminisced.

 

Born through a c-section, her son at the time crossed all the developmental milestones from sitting on his own, laughing, and imitating anything up until he started walking shortly after his father’s passing. He is now 6 years old.

 

“At around 18 months, I started picking up that he was developing differently. I didn’t have the words to describe what I was picking up; in hindsight, I think it was just motherly instincts. He started backsliding, meaning that whatever developments he had achieved neurologically, he started regressing.

 

“The first signs were the non-response to his name, the slow speech, and the loss of eye contact. That prompted me to read up on developmental delays; I did not know about autism at the time. So when it came up and I realised that Zuko ticked this box and that box, we visited various specialists until 6 months later we got our diagnosis,” she shared.

 

This was the start of her journey of parenting differently. She had to come to terms with the fact that her journey would not look like the regular parenting journeys we read about.

 

“I grieved what I thought would be my motherhood journey. And even though you don’t know what exactly to expect because all our journeys are different, you kind of anticipate that you’ll have a child who can verbally speak. I had to navigate my feelings through that and realise that I was now headed for a different journey,” she opened up.

 

The beginning was tough. But like it is always said, motherhood is a permanent job, and Kayise had her mother mothering her through this journey. Her own mother was in turn mothered by her mother, which not only formed a strong lineage of mothers who each poured unwavering love, resilience, and strength into each other but this ripple effect of motherhood created a powerful hedge over baby Zuko. Their nurturing bond enveloped him.

 

This new phenomenon, one that she has come to realise is not well taught in South Africa, meant immersing herself in the education to be a better parent to baby Zuko. The light of her world.

 

“I love being a mother,” she said, obviously smitten. “Being Zuko’s mother has opened me up to how beautiful this gift of motherhood is. Zuko is different in so many beautiful ways. He has his own ways of interacting with the world, and I had to enter that world so I could make things easier for him. Especially in sensory input.

 

“So after the challenge of understanding what the diagnosis meant, through healing and transforming my mind, I understood that this is a child who is highly intelligent and is gifted in other ways. He is certainly worthy of a place on earth, worthy of having a mother like me who advocates for him and also brings awareness for people like him,” she said.

 

Most days of motherhood are good, although she does admit to the challenges that exist.

 

She admits that she is also on her journey of learning as well, and together they are growing as they go.

 

“Everything sort of unfolded and happened all at once. Losing my husband and having to adjust to this new normal has been a rollercoaster. In fact, I think I almost lost my mind at some point. I remember asking myself, ‘How much more can I take?’ I decided to leave Johannesburg and go back home because I needed to feel safe. I need a support structure, apart from the clinical support, to help navigate this new journey.

 

“And because of that honest decision of taking that much-needed step back, I could come back to my life and pick up where I left off.

 

“Motherhood has shown me the power of resilience. I didn’t think I had it in me,” she said, laughing. “Losing his dad at such a young age, never having to experience what an amazing man my husband was, felt so unfair. But I was very committed to being the best single parent that I could be.

 

“Motherhood means having this incredible power within us to understand where we are at each point of our lives. It is understanding my strengths and weaknesses and also forgiving myself where I cannot show up. And that is where the art of delegation comes in—knowing when to ask and receive help,” she said.

 

Motherhood also means being kind and patient with herself and just doing the best she can.

 

The best part of it all is having that one person who loves her unconditionally, knowing that his mommy never gave up on him.

 

Looking at her career journey now, she realises the new responsibility she has—called to stand for a course that makes a positive impact in society.

“His dad was a kind, loving, and very respective man, and I already see those characteristics come through from Zuko. I hope he grows up to be a man of integrity, a man of profound difference—a man who comes and changes the world for the better. I really hope his difference can be world-changing,” she said.