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Allowing children to grieve is important to stimulate their mental health

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Allowing children to grieve is important to stimulate their mental health

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While grief is commonly associated with the tragic loss of someone close, grief for children can be linked to an array of instances. 

 

According to livestrong.org, these occurrences can include parents’ divorce or separation, a move or relocation, the ending of a friendship or important relationship, the death of a pet, or experiences of illness or disability. 

 

Understanding grief, as a parent, is pertinent to help our children navigate the feelings that grief presents and also help them come to terms with those experiences. 

 

According to Clinical Psychologist & Mental Health advocate Mrs Matsedeso Nthako-Makovi, not addressing grief in children can put them at risk of developing long term mental health issues. 

 

Just like with adults, children can also experience big emotions and as a society, it is imperative to do more to help them navigate these emotions and empower them with healthy coping skills.

 

Grief is a human experience that cannot be avoided. It is a response to loss of someone or something to which an emotional bond and connection was formed. It could be the death of a loved one, a loss of a relationship, a job or anything that has personal value. Grief involves a combination of our thoughts, feelings and behavioral responses towards that loss, and can manifest in different dimensions. Most importantly, going through the process of grief helps us come to terms with the reality of living without the person one has lost,” said Nthako-Makovi. 

 

And while all children are different, they will feel and show their grief in different ways (including siblings or children of the same household). Nthako-Makovi adds that how kids cope with the loss depends on various factors like their age, how close they felt to the person who died, their support system at home, school and the community at large. 

 

 

Clinical Psychologist & Mental Health advocate Mrs. Matsedeso Nthako-Makovi

 

“Some kids may have trouble sleeping or have fears or worries. Others become more clingy or regress, have physical complaints, anger outbursts, some concentration issues at school etc. If your child consistently isolates, doesn’t want to talk to anyone, expresses any form of suicidal thoughts or self harm, it’s important to take this seriously and refer them for counseling as soon as possible. 

 

livestrong.org further states that children’s grief may be overlooked or misunderstood because it can appear so different from an adult’s grief.

 

Nthako-Makovi adds,: “Society is guilty of overlooking grief when it comes to children and this can happen in different ways. This includes dismissing our children’s thoughts and feelings, mocking their reactions, not giving them an opportunity to express their grief in their own way, using indirect ways of explaining the loss, and avoiding the words like death or died. Acting like they aren’t aware of death or the grief, and not involving the children in practices that sustain the remembrance and memory of the loved one.

 

“There is often a sense of avoidance and discomfort when it comes to discussing grief with children. Not prioritizing grief for children is often counterproductive as it can leave them in a state of confusion and more pain,” she said. 

 

“There’s no manual of perfect words to say when one is grieving. Being there for your child is the best you can do. It’s good to share to them that grief is a process that happens over time. Continue to provide the safe space to engage with your child, observe and be patient. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting about your loved one. It means remembering the person with love. Keeping the loving memories alive can elicit good feelings that support your child in the journey.”

 

 

 

 

 


Below Mrs. Nthako-Makovi shares a list on ways you can encourage your children to grieve

 

 

  1. Be clear and direct in your explanation of the loss. Children below the ages of 5 years still think concretely about concepts such as death. They might not understand fully and believe it’s temporary. You don’t have to go into graphic details about the nature of death, as long as you inform the child that the person has died, convey the emotions and give your child a chance to respond or to process what you’ve said. Share your family’s beliefs about what happens to a person’s soul or spirit after death.
  2. Listen attentively, offer comfort and hugs. Don’t enforce how they should react as your child is unique. Stay with your child and answer their question. If they want some time alone, give them the space but continue to check in from time to time. It’s okay to also sit in silence and to shed tears in front of your child, as you’ve explained the loss. You need to communicate that emotions are welcomed and are acceptable.
  3. Verbalize what they could be feeling. If your child is crying, let them know that it’s okay to feel sad. Ask them to say what they think and feel. You can also encourage your child to draw or journal. It makes it easier for them to share.
  4. Walk your child through the changes in routine if there’s any and let them know what to expect.
  5. Get your child to participate in any small way with any memorial services or funeral preparations, according to their development and if it is something they want to do.
  6. Help your children remember the loved one. Don’t avoid talking about the person who died. Sharing happy memories helps.
  7. Pay attention to any significant changes in your child. Comfort and reassure them, encourage them to speak to a person that you know they can open up to. Let your child know that it can take time to feel better after a loved one dies.
  8. Provide the comfort your child needs but also have opportunities to have fun and engage in other activities like play, art, cooking or going somewhere together.

 

If you or your child is struggling to cope, or you need further information, please call 0800 21 22 23 (toll-free counseling helpline 8am-8pm) or SMS 31393 and get FREE telephonic counseling, support, and other resources.

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