From postpartum struggles to answered prayers, the actress opens up about raising her daughter with grace, intention and love.

If life is an entire university campus, motherhood is a completely different section with its own rules, experiences, surprise tests you never studied for, and lessons that can’t be taught in a lecture hall.

For award-winning actress Zenande Mfenyana, who currently stars in the hit drama series Inimba, motherhood has been exactly that — a world of its own.

 

 

“There’s nothing like I’ve ever experienced in my entire life,” she exclaims fondly.

A couple of years ago, the now 40-year-old had made peace with the idea that motherhood might never happen for her. But today, she finds herself gently shepherding her bubbly, inquisitive daughter, whom she fondly calls Ballerina.

 

“I remember praying, talking to God, wondering how it would feel to have a little person grow within me. My exact words were, ‘How about you humour me, Lord’, and boy did God make me laugh,” she says in between giggles.

“I’ve always been umakazi (aunt), so I am used to being around children. You later realise the vast difference between being a mother and an aunt. This one is your responsibility; you can’t give the child back,” she chuckles. “No one else stands up to go hush the child because this child is mine. Oppsie,” followed by another hearty laugh.

 

What has carried her through the different phases of motherhood — from two days to two months, to two years and now almost six years later — is the grace she has learned to give herself. By reminding herself that she, too, is doing this for the first time; she has softened expectations and allowed herself room to grow.

 

“Like now, she (Ballerina) communicates what she would like in her lunch so I don’t have to assume, and that is great in my books.”

In this big life campus  — a place of learning — is also teaching her about herself, with each stage of motherhood requiring a different Zenande.

 

“In the beginning of motherhood, I suffered from a lot of postpartum depression because I just couldn’t believe it. What do you mean I’m responsible for this little person?!” she recalls. “I’ve had to adjust. I’ve had to pull back in certain instances to uncover whether the feelings I’m feeling are truly mine or if they’re coming from a place of trauma.”

 

In conversation, Zenande comes across as deeply self-aware, pointing to the beauty of age as the source of her growing confidence and understanding of self — something she never was before. Age has helped her find her own voice, break free from other people’s opinions, and tailor-make her own rules when it comes to motherhood.

 

 

But even with a strong sense of self, she hopes to raise an equally independent daughter. That also means learning to accept that Ballerina may have her own way of thinking.

 

Listening now sits at the heart of this phase of her life.

 

“She’s teaching me a lot about patience,” she admits, sharing that there was a time when everything revolved around her. Now, compromise is key in her world.

 

“She is teaching me so much about myself. She has taught me about selflessness, which is what motherhood is,” she says, adding that the process of unlearning and learning is a gradual one. “I am learning to put someone else before my own needs, but not to my detriment. I must not forget about my own needs too,” another crucial lesson that age has taught her.

 

Those needs can be as small as a moment of silence—where she sits with her own thoughts to as big as continuing to build her flourishing career — one that recently saw her bag an award at the National Film and TV Awards for her role as Thumeka.

 

Thumeka is a mother of three: two of her own and one she helps raise alongside her on-screen husband, Hlathi.

 

It is a role that arrived at the right time. One that allows her to draw from her own archives of motherhood while also unpacking the nuances of raising teenagers — a world far removed from Zenande’s own life as a mother to an almost six-year-old.

 

And as little Ballerina continues to grow, Zenande found herself growing too. And in hindsight, she is proud of the strides she has made, big or small.

 

Her wish is that her daughter never has to heal from wounds that could have been prevented. That has meant being intentional in raising her: mindful of what she says to Ballerina, the spaces she allows her into and the language used around her.

 

“More than anything, I just want to do better for my little one in how I raise her,” she says, careful to note that this doesn’t come from a bad childhood but a desire to grow.

 

“I want to be intentional. To not make erratic decisions, to think things through, and to give her grace too. I just want to give her a softer life. I don’t ever want her to feel unwanted but to know that she was always part of the plan.

 

“Her dad and I definitely — 100%, 20 million times over — wanted her. Every failed pregnancy test came with so much disappointment, and the day it came back as positive… my gosh, we didn’t even sleep that night,” she reminisces

 

“I want her to know how excited and happy I am to have her. I wouldn’t change a thing. Everything happened exactly how God intended it, and she is my answered prayer that came at the right time,” she says fondly.