Loss of identity after giving birth is one of the deepest and most unexpected struggles many women face. In the whirlwind of sleepless nights, endless feedings, and the immense love that comes with welcoming a child, it’s easy to forget the person you were before motherhood (and fatherhood).

 

The dreams, the ambitions, the small things that once defined you can suddenly feel like distant memories—a reality that not many moms are open about.

 

Communication expert and former journalist Mpiletso Motumi had her world change in the blink of an eye—or, more accurately, in those long hours filled with excruciating labor pains, from October 6th, 2022, until giving birth the afternoon of the 7th.

That moment of giving birth brought Mpiletso a profound sense of clarity and a newfound perspective. And yet, it also left her feeling as though her entire sense of self had been upended. She found herself completely disconnected from the person she had been before Baby O’s arrival—as she fondly refers to her daughter.

 

It was a beautiful and exciting time, mixed with uncertainty about myself.

 

“After giving birth, everything shifts focus so quickly you can’t even catch yourself,” she said, sharing how she felt completely different.

 

“In fact, I am still stuck in the ebb and flow of it. I am so focused on being a great mom to my child that I often leave myself behind. Now that she is growing into her own person, it has made me rethink my life and remember the dreams I had for myself,” she said.

 

This included losing her love of socialising, “Lol! I absolutely hate going out now. And she is the perfect excuse.”

 

She feels she has lost her drive to better herself because she’s always running on the clockwork of ensuring her daughter is healthy and happy.

 

The fairly new mom recalls the day she discovered she was pregnant.

 

“We had to catch the early morning pee at around 2 in the morning. I took about 5 pregnancy tests, 2 of which I threw on my partner’s face from shock!” she said, giggling. “When the first test came out positive, I was like, ‘What?’ I went out of the toilet, threw the first test at him, and he said, ‘What?’,” she said, laughing.

The shock was real for both parties.

“When I eventually went to the OBGYN for a scan, I was already 10 weeks along. Knowing there is someone growing inside of you is a surreal experience. I felt strange, to be honest. It was one of those ‘oh my gosh’ moments.”

 

The 7 months that followed were fairly easy on Mpiletso, with no morning sickness and no sudden aversions to her favorite foods. “Thank goodness!” she exclaimed, although her feet did swell up a month and a half before giving birth, which became extremely uncomfortable because she couldn’t fit into any of her shoes.

 

“I was active (except during the extreme fatigue months) for most of my pregnancy. In fact, I drove myself to the licensing department to renew my license disc the day my contractions started,” she said with glee.

 

Disappearing into the role of ‘mom’ required her to actively find communities that validated her feelings, knowing she wasn’t alone—not forgetting her wonderful partner Kabelo, who encourages her to be expressive. “We communicate about all the ugly feelings, because there are many,” she said.

 

On how her relationship with her body, mind, and emotions changed since giving birth, she shares, “That’s a constant cycle. There are good days, bad days, weird days, and ‘oh my gosh’days. The ‘why me’ days and the ‘thank you, God’ days. I am hyperaware of my feelings and the things that happen around me. Body-wise, I am still trying to get back to a shape that is more toned and healthier because I need to keep up with my very curious and active child.”

 

But with all the struggles of self, nothing can ever overshadow the joy of being Baby-O’s mother.

 

“For me, motherhood is love. It is a tangible experience of what love is. My heart lives outside of me, and I live every day trying to ensure it is nurtured.

 

“I am still shocked at how, even though it is new to you, it comes naturally. Your mom cap comes on immediately—from the time you find out you are pregnant, you have this immediate feeling of being a protector to this fragile soul. It also makes you realise what is really important in life and if you weren’t already working towards a better life for yourself, you will do it for your child,” she added.

 

Mpiletso is on an active journey back to self, being bolder in what she wants and what she doesn’t.

 

“It’s about embracing the new version of me; and it is so beautiful. I am going back to hobbies that I had put on hold and learning new ones. My daughter has awakened this hyperawareness of life and how fast it goes by. So I want to make the most of my time.

 

The best advice she has ever received about motherhood from a friend is to take it a day at a time.

 

And to new moms, she shares: “Don’t be in a hurry to guilt-trip yourself. Feel all the emotions and cry as often as possible; it is the best release! My coping mechanisms have been talking to moms (whether online or friends) about the feelings and getting advice on how to overcome them. It is not a one-size-fits-all process. You will get back to yourself eventually; it is not a race.

 

“For now, just live in the moment, listen to mom podcasts, and binge-watch your favourite shows!” she said.