Parent Talk

The Healed Parent: How Inner Work Shapes the Children We Raise

Staff Writer 27 November 2025

By Ntombenhle Khathwane

We all have trauma. Some of us call it “baggage,” others call it “issues,” but the truth is, none of us grew up completely untouched by pain. Whether it’s the result of childhood neglect, poverty, bullying, loss, or even subtle emotional wounds from well-meaning parents, we all carry invisible scars. And here’s the hard truth: what we don’t heal, we hand down.

In South Africa, we understand inherited pain better than most. We live in a country shaped by apartheid’s deep wounds, by forced removals, broken families, economic hardship, and the silent weight of intergenerational trauma. Our homes may be filled with love, but they also hold unspoken stories, and these stories influence how we raise our children.

If we want to raise children who know their worth, who are confident, kind, and resilient, then we have to start with ourselves. Healing is not selfish; it’s the most generous gift you can give your child.

Why Inner Work Matters in Parenting

Pexel images

Parenting is not just about providing food, shelter, and education, it’s about how we respond when our child spills juice on the couch, when they fail a test, or when they express feelings that make us uncomfortable. And those reactions often come from our own unhealed wounds.

● A father who was shamed for crying as a boy may tell his son to “man up” instead of holding space for his emotions.

● A mother who grew up in poverty may push her child relentlessly to achieve academically, not from encouragement, but from fear of lack.

● A parent who was never allowed to speak up may struggle to allow their teenager to disagree respectfully.

Without healing, our past drives our parenting, often without us even knowing.

The Science of Healing and the Developing Brain

Neuroscience confirms what our elders have long known: children don’t just learn from what we say; they absorb who we are. Their developing brains are shaped by the emotional environment in the home.

When parents are anxious, irritable, or emotionally unavailable, children’s stress levels rise. Over time, chronic stress can impact memory, focus, and emotional regulation. But when parents are emotionally regulated, children feel safe, and a safe brain is a brain that can learn, explore, and grow.

Healing helps us stay calm when things go wrong, so our children learn resilience instead of fear.

Relatable South African Examples

1. The Taxi Queue Mother
Zanele* grew up in a home where every cent mattered. Now, as a single mother in Tembisa, she works long hours and often shouts at her 8-year-old for “wasting money” on small things like extra bread. Through a parenting workshop, she realised that her anger wasn’t really about bread, it was about the fear of going hungry again, a fear rooted in her own childhood. As she worked through this, she became calmer, and her son stopped hiding things from her.

2. The Overachieving Dad
Thabo*, now a corporate executive in Sandton, pushes his teenage daughter to win every award. When she brought home a silver medal instead of gold, he couldn’t hide his disappointment. Later, he realised he was reliving his own father’s expectations, and his fear of never being “enough.” Through therapy, Thabo learned to praise effort, not just achievement, and his relationship with his daughter improved dramatically.

Breaking the Cycle

When we heal, we change the narrative for the next generation. That means:

● Learning to pause before reacting.

● Listening without judgment.

● Apologising when we get it wrong.

● Creating a home where feelings are safe to express.

In African culture, we talk about ubuntu – “I am because we are.” Healing is ubuntu in action. When I heal myself, I make it safer for my child, my family, and even my community to do the same.

Where to Start Your Healing Journey

Healing sounds big, but it often begins with small, intentional steps:

1. Self-awareness – Notice your triggers. When do you lose patience? What situations bring up old emotions?

2. Inner child work – Remember the child you were. What did they need to hear, see, or feel? Can you give that to yourself now?

3. Therapy or counselling – South Africa has many community-based mental health services that are affordable or free.

4. Parenting circles – Join groups where parents share openly without shame.

5. Journaling – Write about your parenting wins and mistakes. Reflection is healing.

Why Healing is Urgent for Parents of Colour in SA

We are raising children in a world that often undervalues them because of race, class, or background. If we don’t teach them their worth at home, they will search for it in dangerous places, toxic relationships, risky behaviours, or the need to overachieve for external approval.

When we are healed parents, we can:

● Affirm our children’s dignity daily.

● Protect them from internalising societal prejudice.

● Equip them to navigate life with resilience and grace.

The Worthy Parent Promise

A worthy parent is not perfect. They still make mistakes. But they are committed to doing the inner work so their children inherit strength, not pain.

Here’s the promise:

“I will see my child not through the lens of my wounds, but through the truth of their worth. I will work on myself, not just for me, but so my child knows love without conditions and belonging without question.”

Final Word

A healed parent is emotionally present, self-aware, and grounded in their own worth. They no longer parent from fear, shame, or unresolved pain, but from clarity, compassion, and conscious intention. They have learned to regulate their emotions, take responsibility for their triggers, and respond rather than react. A healed parent is not perfect, but they are committed to growth, they apologise when they misstep, listen deeply, and create a home where emotional safety and authenticity are prioritised. They break cycles by choosing love over control, boundaries over blame, and presence over performance. Their healing becomes a living blueprint for their children’s sense of self-worth and possibility.

You don’t need to heal everything before you can be a great parent, but every bit of healing you do changes the atmosphere in your home. Your inner work is not just for you; it’s for your children, your grandchildren, and generations you will never meet.

Because when we heal, we don’t just raise children, we raise the future.

*Names have been changed for privacy.