Written by Zwile “Nkentshane” Ximba

In this week’s instalment of The Wife, viewers got a sense of the aftermath around the major talking points of last week. Of all the talking points, the one most viewers wanted to know was whether or not Hlomu’s pregnancy would survive the brutal beating from her husband, Mqhele. Unfortunately, she had a miscarriage. Hlomu preferring to keep the miscarriage to herself got me thinking.

I cannot imagine the pain women feel when dealing with a miscarriage. I am a man, after all. Maybe it’s true that the pain women feel in such situations could never be fathomed by men. Conversations surrounding miscarriages are biased towards women—perhaps rightfully so. As a result of biology, women carry most of the burden of pregnancy. However, shouldn’t we also have conversations about fathers who have also lost children through miscarriage?

A Father’s Feeling of Powerlessness and Helplessness

South Africa is predominantly patriarchal. Thus patriarchal demands require men to be providers and protectors. Hlomu’s situation is entirely different, but I’d like to set Mqhele aside for a moment and look at men in general. How heart-wrenching it must be to watch your spouse in agonizing pain, a pain you cannot spare her from as a result of the natural order of things. You are supposed to protect her, yet all you can do is play the spectator. Such situations, despite any father’s efforts, render the father helpless.

Society Disregards A Father’s Grief

In the name of being the strong protector, many men hardly find time to deal with their grief. Wherever there’s a miscarriage, two people lose a child. However, everybody, even the bereaved father, focuses on the mother. When does the father find time to deal with his grief?

Conversations centred around the acknowledgement that fathers also suffer – and thus are also grieving – are rare. Perhaps this is why the feelings of a father count for nothing when it comes to abortion. A mother can legally decide to terminate a pregnancy; the father’s desire to keep the child is irrelevant. This is not an argument against women’s rights to bodily autonomy; this is to highlight how society has little regard for the emotional needs of men in situations of miscarriages and pregnancy terminations.

To Be Strong

When it comes to grief, a man is expected to be strong and get on with life. There is little tolerance for male tears, so men have to push down their pain. Hence the old Zulu saying: “indoda ayikhali.” Men are neither allowed to feel pain nor to dwell on it.

Have you ever had a partner who miscarried? How did you deal with the loss?

To the ladies who’ve had to deal with such, how did you support your partner? Did you consider his grief? Please share your stories with us in the comments.