“Being present for your children is extremely important, especially during those first 7 years of their lives.” These are the words of TV personality Phumeza ‘MaTshezi’ Mdabe who has experienced her fair-share of an absent parent while growing up. 

Mdabe, who recently reconnected with her father in Gqeberha, experienced not only having her biological father forsake her but also a rejection from him when she tried to locate him during her teen years. Like anyone who has been in her shoes, that experience has the ability to cause an inner disruption. An unhealing, unending pain.  

That is why forming part of hundreds of other South Africans’ journey to rekindle their relationships with their parents on the show Abandoned became an easy decision to make for her. A journey the 36-year-old knows about beyond surface level. 

With the show’s return for its 4th season, Phumeza believes that this is an indication of a deep need to mend more families in South Africa, especially within the black communities.

“Meeting my own father at my big age healed parts of me that I didn’t think still needed healing. Meeting this funny old man, who is both kind and calm was a completely opposite experience from when we went to go find him and he rejected me. This experience allowed me to heal further as much as I had closed off that hope of ever getting answers. I had made peace with the fact that I tried, so that gave me peace. But being able to sit down with him gave me healing that I didn’t think I still needed,” she said. 

And as a mother of four – through her own experiences and having journeyed with a hundred more locals to find peace and heal, Mdabe emphasizes on the importance of being present for children. 

“For my own children, being present means being there. Being able to drop them off at school when I am home or their dad is around. Making time to do things together like cooking, watching movies and creating time and memories for them,” she adds. 

Their busy schedules, with her musician husband, sometimes calls for them to be away from home for longer periods of time. But the star shares that between them both, they make it a point that one parent is home. By doing so, the pair aims to never make their children feel like their careers come first or their needs are not met.

Phumeza with Husband Shota and their children. | Image sourced from https://mpilofoundation.co.za/

“Motherhood to me is having bonds that are unshakeable and unbreakable with my children,” sharing that having children has always been a part of the plan because of her not growing up in a family structure. 

“I always looked at other families and other children with parents and I always longed for that family unit. Maybe it was formed by my own traumas while growing up, I don’t know but I always knew that I wanted to have a family. I needed to have a family. And funny enough, I’ve always said that I wanted to have four kids and look at me today,” she said giggling. Two of whom are her biological children and two of whom are her step children. 

“So now knowing that I have those people that love me unconditionally has truly informed what motherhood is for me. It is having that tribe that will never ever go anywhere, the only people who will always remember me even when I am gone, and celebrate me for years to come. My children, all four of them, have become my tribe for life,” she said with fondness in her eyes. 

With all that she has gone through while growing up, including her mother passing on at a very young age Phumeza believes that everything happened for a reason that has shaped the mother and person that she is today.

“I think the lessons that I have had throughout have been so important to mold me to become a better human being. 

“I didn’t have a home and had to live from place to place. That meant living at a friend’s house then live with a relative for a month then move to another. I always tell my daughter that I never had my own room, I never had a home that I could point to when asked where home is. I don’t have stable childhood memories that were created by a family structure. And that became the basic thing that I wanted for my children, to just have a functional home with rules and dreams and unity,” she adds. Stability, security and love being the three main foundations to her parenting style. 

Her wish for all children in Mzansi is for them not to be their parents by repeating their mistakes.

“I feel like as a black community, we have so much to heal from. And it’s only because of what happened in the past and how the system was put in place. It is only now, with our generation and those that follow that we can change the narrative in terms of how we handle each other in a family unit. In terms of how we speak to each other, how we speak about each other, think about each other and that’s the most important thing for me. 

“For the parents to be better and do better. And for people to debunk certain narratives like you have to be married to have made it in life. To lessen the pressure we put on ourselves so we are better people. So my biggest wish for children in Mzansi is that we do not repeat our parent’s mistakes and change the narrative. 

“Life doesn’t have to carry on the way it used to. We can be better, regardless of where we grew up,” she adds. 

Phumeza with her husband Mnqobi ‘Shota’ Mdabe who celebrated 10 years of their marriage last year